Intimacy Issues

The only reason I’m with you is because I know I can’t have you, because if I could have you I probably wouldn’t want you.

Intimacy issues…

the cycle continues.

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Intimacy Issues

trust

trustI realize I am afraid of love because I don’t trust love or I don’t trust anyone enough to allow them to love me. My trust issues run deep and it originates from when I was six, when I trusted my uncle to be my uncle and he raped me. Now I somehow feel everyone who says they love me is out to get me in some sort of way. If someone tells me they love me, I don’t believe them; I just think they’re trying to use me for their own gain. Maybe my picker is off, maybe I choose guys I can’t trust on purpose as a defense mechanism. Lord can you teach me how to trust again?

I heard my inner voice say, “Trust comes from first learning how to trust yourself. Trust yourself to be vulnerable, trust yourself to be loved, and trust that even if you get hurt you will heal.”

~Conversations with myself

trust

ROAD RAGE

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I don’t consider myself to be a self-centered, narcissistic bitch, but I do have some serious road rage issues. Driving with people who drive like they’re afraid to be behind the wheel; clasps the wheel for dear life, hesitate while lane changing, are extremely slow, or people who like to think they’re traffic directors pisses me the f#@k off!

Today when I went to school, this lady in a jeep in front of me felt the need to direct traffic and let everyone turn into the parking lot before attempting to turning in herself. Now I could be exaggerating but it felt like I was sitting there for five minutes. I got so pissed and finally went around her, then the guy in the other car had the nerve to tell me I could’ve waited my turn, after I was already there three or four minutes before him. This set me off and I went from 0-100 real quick. After cursing the boy to the moon I realized I have to get this shit under control. Behind the wheel I’m always on edge, I get agitated, and pissed to point of no return, cursing every swear word and derogatory term the English language has to offer, and nobody is exempt…

Older person driving too slow, I’d be like; “time to retire your licence”, taking too long to park (1 minute or more), “where did you buy your license MF”, left hand turn into oncoming traffic at 20km in an 80km zone, “this bleeping stupid idiot” this left turn turtle turner as I like to refer to it as, warrants my drive beside their car and stare at them tactic, which thinking about it now is very pathetic, but it just makes me feel better. At the risk of sounding racist I won’t even bother to mention ethnic stereotypes. The point here is I have to practice being more calm and understanding while I drive or these idiots are gonna kill me one way or another. Lol.

Conversations with Alicia~

ROAD RAGE