trustI realize I am afraid of love because I don’t trust love or I don’t trust anyone enough to allow them to love me. My trust issues run deep and it originates from when I was six, when I trusted my uncle to be my uncle and he raped me. Now I somehow feel everyone who says they love me is out to get me in some sort of way. If someone tells me they love me, I don’t believe them; I just think they’re trying to use me for their own gain. Maybe my picker is off, maybe I choose guys I can’t trust on purpose as a defense mechanism. Lord can you teach me how to trust again?

I heard my inner voice say, “Trust comes from first learning how to trust yourself. Trust yourself to be vulnerable, trust yourself to be loved, and trust that even if you get hurt you will heal.”

~Conversations with myself


Walking Contradiction


I smile when I should frown, frown when I should smile, I’m a walking contradiction.

I laugh when I should cry, cry when I should laugh, I’m a walking contradiction.

I fear when I feel safe, feel safe when I should fear, I’m always in contradiction.

 Pain for pleasure, happy when sad, love instead of hate…why am I always in contradiction?

Was HARMED instead of PROTECTEDPREYED upon when I was SIX, felt DEFILED when I should’ve felt PURE, and GUILT instead of INNOCENCE, what a walking contradiction…I was molested, abused, and rapped; ASHAMED in place of CONFIDENCE, all makes sense now, why ‘I’m a walking contradiction’.

Conversations with Myself~

Walking Contradiction